New Apartment: A Silly Allegory

CAVEAT: As (we hope) most of you are aware, we carry physical books and not e-books, but this is neither because we're Luddites or because we're counterrevolutionaries. In fact, we don't feel the need to doomsay one medium or the other, because - they're different media. They're great for different things. We do have concerns about a certain monopsony involved in both physical and e-books, but that's different, and it's not something we're weepy and flaily about - it's something to reason out for policy purposes.

Meanwhile, we have every reason to believe that our medium, the physical book, is wonderful and practical, and we're also not adverse to poking fun at the monopsony and its product, which as we all know has room for improvement. This is a joke one person here wrote for a friend. Laugh or don't, but let's not argue. Thanks.
  

So glad I'm switching to Kindle Apartment - elevator is just $185 and rooms $9.95 each - as long as I don't enter them more than 10 times.
— The Haunted Bookshop (@BookshopGhost) October 25, 2014

Elevator also has to be replaced every 18mos. because upgrades for my personal data safety. Conveniently for me as consumer, however,
— The Haunted Bookshop (@BookshopGhost) October 25, 2014

Kindle tracks how much time I spend in elevator, how many trips to my apartment, time spent in each room, and can recommend new rooms for me.
— The Haunted Bookshop (@BookshopGhost) October 25, 2014

Got rid of my big, clumsy house. Can replace all my rooms for a fraction of the price. What could possibly go wrong? Kindle Apartment!
— The Haunted Bookshop (@BookshopGhost) October 25, 2014

Well, now I have to buy Elevator 4.3 if I want Enhanced Data Protection, $280, hope it doesn't rain or that I can get it insured cheaply.
— The Haunted Bookshop (@BookshopGhost) October 25, 2014

I can buy an anti-subscription to Elevator Music, the company that supplies the ads I have to watch before I can leave the elevator. $5/mo.
— The Haunted Bookshop (@BookshopGhost) October 25, 2014

We have to watch ads for room-themed products to get the doorknobs to turn now, and rooms sometimes go dark so walls can play ads randomly.
— The Haunted Bookshop (@BookshopGhost) October 25, 2014

Laundry Room is no longer available because it wasn't popular with men aged 18-24, so ads show us where to buy cheap new clothes every week.
— The Haunted Bookshop (@BookshopGhost) October 25, 2014

We can get Kitchen 2.2 for better antibacterial function but the problem is that appliances are sold separately, same price as the room. WTF
— The Haunted Bookshop (@BookshopGhost) October 25, 2014

We don't even want Kitchen 2.2 but Kitchen 2.1 will no longer be supported after Elevator 4.3. Then it rained on our Elevator. $280, and
— The Haunted Bookshop (@BookshopGhost) October 25, 2014

because we got a new Elevator 4.4, we have to get Kitchen 2.2, $9.95, and anti-subscription to Elevator Music is nontransferrable, $5 more!
— The Haunted Bookshop (@BookshopGhost) October 25, 2014

At least Coffee Table 3.6 (not sold with Living Room) doubles as a phone for just $60/mo and we can bundle it with cable/internet for $100
— The Haunted Bookshop (@BookshopGhost) October 25, 2014

We can only buy food for Kitchen 2.2 from the company that makes Kindle Apartment. And they don't offer wheat bagels because they aren't
— The Haunted Bookshop (@BookshopGhost) October 25, 2014

popular with women aged 24-45, but "print" wheat bagels can't be brought in through Elevator 4.3. We can only eat them outside. Except the
— The Haunted Bookshop (@BookshopGhost) October 25, 2014

bakery is out of business. When did that happen? And leaving feedback about not being able to get competitors' e-bagels didn't do anything.
— The Haunted Bookshop (@BookshopGhost) October 25, 2014

It's like they're all, if you can't stand the bagels, get out of Kindle Kitchen. BUT I CAN'T. Because I can't afford to buy all new Nook
— The Haunted Bookshop (@BookshopGhost) October 25, 2014

Apartment and Nook Rooms and Nook Anti-Ads and Nook Personal Security and Nook Appliances. Anyway who has Nook Apartment? Or Kobo! Wevs!
— The Haunted Bookshop (@BookshopGhost) October 25, 2014

I just did the math. Getting a whole new Kindle Apartment with the stuff that came with my original = $78,000. WHAT. I can't even
— The Haunted Bookshop (@BookshopGhost) October 25, 2014

get $100 for my Kindle Elevator on eBay anymore now that Elevator 4.5 is out. And I don't even have the $71,000 for a Nook Apartment.
— The Haunted Bookshop (@BookshopGhost) October 25, 2014

Because I lost my job as an independent interior decorator because everyone switched to Kindle. </allegory>
— The Haunted Bookshop (@BookshopGhost) October 25, 2014

SPECIAL PREVIEW of sequel to "Kindle Apartment Allegory": "The Smartest Guys and My Rooms"....
— The Haunted Bookshop (@BookshopGhost) October 25, 2014

"Why didn't anyone read the quarterly reports? Why didn't my stock broker tell me the company was undercapitalized? I have to liquidate
— The Haunted Bookshop (@BookshopGhost) October 25, 2014

my portfolio so I can buy a new place to live, but nobody can get Kindle Anything now that the company is in Chapter 11, and anyone who
— The Haunted Bookshop (@BookshopGhost) October 25, 2014

actually needs a place to live is driving up prices for Real Rent and Real Houses, which are all owned by the same company now...."
— The Haunted Bookshop (@BookshopGhost) October 25, 2014

But seriously. "Kindle Odyssey" will really take the company out of its element; should've been "Kindle Inferno." #epicjokes #sorrynotsorry
— The Haunted Bookshop (@BookshopGhost) October 25, 2014